The Grey

I feel like I have missed out on so much.

I'm stunned that it was you who felt it.
All these years, and still only you.
But don't worry.
There will never be anything you miss out on that I won't be able to tell you.
Just promise me you'll never stop asking.

It is such a long ride home. We both know this now.
We'll be home soon. The ride is almost over.
Who knows, maybe I'll be a lion this time.

There will always be tomorrow. I wish you'd stop forgetting.
We always have tomorrow if today isn't good enough.

We must continue our work.
A glass flower withers for no one.
But it is the broken pieces that pain a heart.

We must regain time. 

We never lost it.

Words Thoughts Ideas Phrases Smells Tastes Cravings Sounds Textures Shadows Memories Touches Truths Stories Beliefs Hopes Sentences Dreams Successes Failures Proofs Questions Pages Sights

I want to fall a sleep to the sound of your voice. I want to wake up and have these months disappear. I miss watching you. I miss listening to your thoughts. I want to be part of your dreams. 

Why do I always think of you? Are you my last vestige of normality? By loving you, by craving your presence, will I be one of them? What do you mean to me? What are you? What are you to me?

I desire that which I do not have. I fear change.
Pure essence requires soul.
Green grass grows.
Beat the glass -- shatter the redness it carries.

Red? Green? It's all a breakfast burrito anyway.

I used to think I was capable of writing. That what I had written was so much more then the shit you can purchase at a bookstore. But then I reread my best story. Apparently shit comes from not only the store, but from fingertips.

Biology. The study of Life. How philosophical can you get? You can't study life. Life is studying. The president is man, the man is president.

She uses candy to create magic which saves the day! Oh, no! System Error! Major System Error! But without feeding, we cannot survive.

The novel was compared to A Brave New World. I wonder sometimes. It doesn't quite reach that level. I just don't see how you can compare the two. One clearly is better then the other. 

A good man is hard to find. Why Sufjan? Why is a good man hard to find? And why is the song about a girl? Is the girl not very good at socializing? I hear garden parties are big this year. I didn't like the chicken, but the almond bread was good. Maybe next time we shouldn't drive the car through the hedges. Maybe.

I was the postman. Although I would deliver 1 + 1 = ?
You never got it right. So you never got your mail.
I used to read it. Since it piled up.
Your mother died.
It was cancer of the penis.

My popsicle melted. And it's snowing. There is no God.

          My sister. Took advantage of me.
          Every day I would make her breakfast and the days she was late I would even put it in a Ziploc container or fold it in a paper towel so she could eat it while walking.

          I would always ask her if she needed any clothes for the next day when doing laundry, which of course she did.

          I was always trying to look out for her. I even gave her friends, who just so happened to be guys, the evil eye to make sure they knew I was watching them.

          Every year I gave her free pickings of my Halloween candy, even though she had her own.

          While watching T.V. she would ask me to get her a drink, with ice, and of course I would.

          Once, I even gave her my own money to buy me a birthday present.

          But I miss her anyway.

          I miss going upstairs to her loft and talking to her. Or just reading with her in that uncomfortably hot room.

          I miss walking around with her. Just talking about whatever we wanted to. I remember one year for my birthday she took me on a walk to the supermarket and bought me an ice cream. I don’t think I could ever forget that day.

          I miss shopping with her. Some how she always knew the inner me. But was still able to convince me to be me in much cooler clothes. I remember always wearing what she picked out for me. Even if it wasn’t 100% me, I knew my sister picked it out and that was what mattered.

          I miss hugging her. Every time you hug my sister, she smells like something different. Sometimes vanilla. Sometimes chocolate. Sometimes flowers. Sometimes sweat and hard work.

          I know we don’t talk much anymore. I know she has a life and I have mine. She’s an adult, and I don’t think I’m quite one yet. We’re different now. I know.

          But I’ll always have those memories.

          And I’ll always miss her.

So a lot of stress is piling up on me.
But, mostly I put it off -- telling myself I'll handle it one stone at a time.

I think about the future a lot.
I realize that a lot of things bother me. And when things bother me, I have to fix them. No matter how long it takes to do so. 
I can see myself really enjoying dedicating my entire life to something. Something I feel so passionate about that it becomes worthwhile for me.
Sometimes I think being a doctor meets these requirements for me.
Sometimes I don't.

I just wish I could just know what I'd be happiest doing and what would be the most rewarding for me. Then I could just go out there and do that.

But I know that that wouldn't be fair. Life itself lies not in the destination but the journey you take to arrive there. 
I'm tired -- and right now the journey seems so long.

My current ideal career: A brain-surgeon geneticist biochemist linguistics-expert computer-programmer writer musician composer chef President of the United States.

Who likes to run in his spare time.

I would also like to win the Nobel Prize, the Pulitzer, as well as cure world hunger, remove racism and hatred, increase the standard of living, fix the environment, come up with the next big idea, play myself in a movie about me, and make a difference in 1 person's life.

Boy is my life going to be a mockery compared to these standards...

I worked a blood drive today.
There was this director person -- craziest woman I've ever met in my entire life.
But, thankfully, we had awesome phlebotomists.
They were nice and tried to do everything they could to make it not quite so scary.
You should have seen the number of walk-in's we had.
I had to keep telling people, "Sorry, but you need to leave."
I guess lots of people wanted to donate.
Jessica passed out. =(
But it's her fault because she hadn't eaten anything.

Also, I learned that one of my old classmates from Primary is getting married!
Both really exciting and scary at the same time, hahahha.
I haven't heard to much about the girl, but I guess if he chose her, she's gotta be halfway decent.

Lets see... It's a Friday and I oh so very much want to just take a nap.
But I have a 5-7 page paper to write.
Which I hope to finish by Sunday.
Just 'cuz.'

All the trees of the field will clap their hands.
Moon over the freeway.
The million young are somewhere in between.
Timelessness gives you time to learn.
Be quiet and drive.
But don't panic.
The city, the night and day, is in the Devil's territory.
Throw your future love away.
It is us, or it is them.
Get it out.
Shed the skin and learn to fly.
The trying of strangers lights the way.
Don't ask why of the outsider.
The blurry past, frantic with pretty riots.
It is such a long way home.

Another student died today.

It was such a contrast of people.

All morning, I was surrounded by seniors and juniors.
                             We've all experienced it so much.
                                                       It didn't effect us.
             We've grown distant to it.

After a quite lunch, I was surrounded by underclassmen.
                 They were silent.
                                  You could hear their sadness.
       It was in their voices as they shared memories.
                        Memories are all they have left.

Sometimes I want to be valedictorian.
Otherwise, I would decline it.
             What do you say?
             What do you say to a class that has lost so much?
 
Oh and by the way, I just got a $10,000 dollar scholarship. :-)

I appericated having someone like you.
                 Is this the morning light of paradise?
                 There is still mourning in light.

You lost a great friendship because -- 
                Because.
                           You should never use because.
                                                                               Be Caused.

I cant help but say fuck you just one more time.
                    Say it to my soul.
         Say it to my heart.
                                      Say it to what you created.
                         Say it to the pain.

You were to selfish to see.
                      I am blind.
   I cannot see.
                  You were my shepherd.
                                            The blind lead the blind.

Too wrapped up in your own hatred towards life.
            I am wrapped.
                                    I am warped.
                        I am the hate you hold within.

You still cannot see.
                               I will never see.
               No light.
                           No path.
     No shepherd.

Such a simple mistake.
                                          I cannot deny.
         That which I am.

It was not shown.
                                                      Would you have even seen it?
             Had I shown you my light.
                                                 Instead of my darkness.

It might save another.
                                         A lie.
            There is no other.

You know...
Those people that feel the need to either lie or overexaggerate every minor detail.
I ran into someone like that today.
The whole time I was listening to the stories about "$150 tickets" and "100 hours of community service" and the "driving around with Jack Daniels underage" and etc, etc.
I couldn't help but think, "Why do you want to lie to me?"

Does my opinion matter all that much? Do you feel the need to impress me and think those things will do so?
It made me a little sad that somewhere along the way, this kid felt that these things are what people consider fun and interesting. 
Plus, why lie about it? Why make it so much more than it was? 

Personally, I think maybe the truth can be a bit more exciting.

The other day, I rediscovered an old friend.
And doing so hurt a lot.
I guess it hurts because I never really seem to forget anyone. So much so that I can remember the face of a boy I once told that my name was Brian, simply because I knew that I would never see him again and that it did not matter.
And because I never forget anyone, I think of them time to time. And wonder how they're doing and if they're happy.
I've had to deal with this problem ever since we moved.
I was able to, via the sidelines, to watch my old friends, the people I loved, grow and mature into adults.
But never once was I able to be there for them like I used to be.
I wasn't able to let them cry on my shoulder or give them a pair of ears that would listen.
Instead, I was forced to watch. And hope that they were happy, and that they would flourish.
I wish I could hear the stories they have. About the things I've missed.
But, I'm often to afraid to ask them.
Sometimes, I'm even to afraid to rediscover my old friends.
What if they don't remember me? What if they don't care like I do?
And so usually, I watch from the sidelines, secretly wishing them the best.